First off, I want to apologize to everyone who now has to "log in" or "register" in order to comment, but I'm afraid it's necessary. I've been getting so much spam it's ridiculous and Ian says that this is the easiest way to make it stop. Thanks for your patience.
That pain is back again ... the one I recognize from before my gall bladder surgery. It's a pain I get under my ribs on my right side after I eat that radiates to my shoulder. We are "watching it" for now, but it scares me ... I don't want any more bumps in the road. I'm really sick of being afraid and worried. I know (logically) that there's no point, but sometimes I can't make it stop. Sometimes I see my life as one big string of health complications. I've been coming across a lot of stories/books about other people's cancer experiences. They are all valid, but I can't help thinking that there are few that have fought the six-years war (although my friend, Laura, has just rounded ten ... she rocks!). I am so done. I am so done. I am so done.
I went to clinic today ... My regular nurse practitioner is on vacation and I miss her dearly (she'll be back next week). In the meantime, I'm seeing this other guy -- who is just fine -- but doesn't really know me. Everything looks pretty good, though ... blood counts holding, weight holding and, in general, my only complaints are that darn pain after I eat, my teeth getting brain freeze every time I bite into something cold (dentist says I am grinding my teeth ... ah, steroids) and the fact that I'm still burning the midnight oil (ah, the steroids ...). And, keeping to the awesome consistency I've been hearing about "how I'm doing" and "what comes next," this other guy says that they will probably start cutting back my steroids in two weeks (My regular NP told me after Christmas). ???
Which reminds me: I keep all my pills in a pill case that divides meds by day (M,T,W) and time of day (morning, afternoon, evening). Last week, I forgot to include my steroids. After two or three days, I started to feel pretty sick and I figured it out. Once I started taking the steroids again, I felt almost immediately better. The reason I bring this up is that it pretty much demonstrates how much I rely on them to feel good.
By now, you can probably understand why I haven't written in awhile. I am feeling a little down and hate to sound like a whiner. My therapist calls it an "existential crisis."
The good news is that, with the steroids, I feel really good. Yesterday, I walked up Westward Drive (very steep) with a bag of groceries and wasn't really winded. My hair is still growing and my scars are fading. My right arm finally stopped hurting from that infiltrated IV I got at the hospital. Also, I fought off a cold over Thanksgiving Day weekend, which means I have some kind of immune system out there ... somewhere.
That's all for now ...
much love,
Katie
P.S. Sorry there's no new picture today, but I will share a cute Zach moment instead: After Zach is done eating dinner and he wants to get lifted out of his seat, he asks for the G-Paw or Daddy crane. The crane is sometimes very broken and makes a lot of abrupt stops and starts, so every time he asks, he straightens up and says boldly, "I am willing to take the risk."
Comments (7)
Hey Katie-
Just read your post and wanted to let you know that Kai and I are thinking of you even way over in Italia. Give Ian and Zach a big kiss from us.
Love you.
Matthew
Posted by Matthew | December 3, 2008 11:03 AM
Posted on December 3, 2008 11:03
Katie: I've been following this Blog and was glad to see your post. I am sad you don't feel well but thankful you have Ian, Zach, and your many friends, including me, to surround you with love. Many hugs to you! Hang tough - love, Jill xxoo
Posted by Jill | December 5, 2008 5:57 PM
Posted on December 5, 2008 17:57
Hi Katie,
Hang in there! I think about you all the time, and I want to know when you're not feeling well so I can send out extra good vibes your way. I worry when I don't see any posts, so please don't ever hesitate because you think it sounds like whining. As if! Just the opposite - your honesty is a gift to us. You owe it to us to scream and kick and complain as much and as often as you need to.
I am around with time on my hands, so please, if there is anything I can do for you ever, let me know.
Much love, Shirley
Posted by Shirley | December 5, 2008 10:03 PM
Posted on December 5, 2008 22:03
Your story is a miraculous one; you're doing so well! Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you!
Posted by LizB | December 7, 2008 4:48 PM
Posted on December 7, 2008 16:48
Dear Katie,
I have been writing our annual Christmas letter. Suddenly it struck me that 2008 has been a good health year for me. I thought of all the times that the polymyalgia rheumatica pains brought me to the point of thinking I would never feel good again. I would sit in my chair and feel I was emitting pain like the sun emits rays. When I finally agreed to steroids, I felt sooo much better. Now the steroids are gone; and quietly, invisibly, the memories of the pains and fears have disappeared.
Not for a minute would I compare polymyalgia rheumatica to cancer; but there is hope that you, too, will one day wake up to a good day. One good day will follow another, and all of this present woe will be history. Hang in there! I know that it isn't easy. Pain drains every resource you have. Refuel as best you can with laughter and friends.
Know that you are loved and needed. Tell me what I can do--it's hard for me to guess across the miles. I'll ship chocolate. . . what else?
Lovingly, Eva
Posted by Eva | December 7, 2008 10:11 PM
Posted on December 7, 2008 22:11
Hey Katie!
As Eva said, here's hoping that there will be more good days to come, to be followed by even more good days, with smaller and smaller gaps between the good days, until you're able to look back at this and say, "Wow, remember those really sucky six years? I'm so glad they're over."
Ah yes, blog spam. I don't get it. Does it work? I have never felt compelled to click on a link to a poker game from a fake comment on someone's blog. And yet, if I don't keep up with deleting blog spam, I wind up with 7,000 comments to be moderated. I try to make it a game, making it a contest to see what term comes up the most often. Hey, 153 comments mentioned "casino" -- that's pretty good! How about that old favorite "Viagra"? Oh, only 62 today. Oh well, better luck next time!
Anyway, I am continuing to think of you and send you good vibes over the miles. Kilometers. Whatever. Rob says I need to learn the metric system. Whine however much you want, my dear. That's what blogs are for! We are here to listen, to the good and the bad.
much love,
Charlene
Posted by Charlene | December 8, 2008 10:15 AM
Posted on December 8, 2008 10:15
Different people all over the world receive the loans in various creditors, just because this is simple and comfortable.
Posted by MaddenWilla | July 7, 2010 7:36 PM
Posted on July 7, 2010 19:36