Katie's BMT Updates

"What Now?" is the title of a speech Ann Patchett gave at the 2006 Sarah Lawrence College commencement. Since, it's been turned into a book and is a quick, inspiring read. Meant for students graduating from college, the message really applies to any change in life, the moments when you're standing on the precipice of something ... waiting, wondering, fearful about how it's going to turn out.

It's the perfect book for me now, because I am in that place. After seven years of numerous chemo treatments and, ultimately, a bone transplant, I am emerging on the other side. I was sick, I could have died and I didn't. Sometimes I marvel at that. I'm elated, but at the same time, as I move further beyond the haze of the medical mesh that has been my life, I feel a little scared. OK, so I'm alive. What now?

I keep thinking about Abraham Maslow's Hierarchy of Human Needs. He's broken them down into five categories: Physiological Needs, Safety Needs, Needs of Love, Affection and Belonging, Needs for Esteem and Needs for Self-Actualization. The idea is that you can't advance to the next level until the prior level is satisfied. Well, I feel like I've been stuck for so long on Physiological and Safety needs that I've forgotten what it feels like to go further. Here I have this whole new open world of possibilities in front of me -- geez ... I could have died! -- and I feel so lame because I feel lost and a little scared. What now?

Some of the answers I've been getting have been troubling. Troubling because they're so true they frighten me. I want to write. I want to write stories. I've known since I was about six and used to make picture books out of construction paper (they were romances). In fourth grade, I used to write stories starring my classmates and read them for show and tell. As a teenager, I wrote morbid stories and Gothic poetry under the pseudonym "China Doll Smith." I've known, yet I feel like I've been running around the issue my entire life, making exceptions, excuses. Sometimes I read other people's books and I get jealous. I should have wrote that! I think. And yet, somehow I don't feel like I have the right to expect these things for myself. I imagine people rolling their eyes, calling me a dreamer who has no anchor in the real world. But I can't help wanting it and the feeling has just gotten more intense. Maybe it's because I could have died ... and now it's impossible to feign away. If I am going to be here, then I have to write. I don't know.

So now you know the nasty truth: Katie wants be a writer. She wants to create worlds and characters that people fall in love with and never want to leave.

I still haven't quite figured out why it's so hard for me to admit, talk or even think about. It feels like I'm coming out of the closet or something. I always get embarrassed. I actually feel my face get hot.

Steps to take: I've fooled around with compiling a memoir of my transplant experience. I also have this idea for a high school romance. But I get stuck in fits and starts. So I've decided I need so guidance. I've enrolled in a class a place called The Writing Salon in the Mission ... It starts October 12, every Monday for 10 weeks.

As for the rest of life, a lot has happened. We moved out of Ian's parents house a couple of weeks ago into our new house in Noe Valley. And even though we're about to embark on a remodel of the upstairs, we're still quite comfortable in the make-shift quarters we have set up for the time being. There's been some adjustment being Zach's full-time care giver and our family's full-time meal maker. I was telling friends I've never felt so much like a "wife." They suggested I should be Betty Draper for Halloween.

Zach loves his new school. He comes out skipping and smiling every day when I pick him up. He's learning a lot, too ... As he was falling asleep the other night, he was counting to himself, 1-10 -- in Spanish.

I have a clinic appointment tomorrow, but two weeks ago things were still holding. My liver numbers are still slightly up and I still have a slight GVHD rash on my face, but I am still stable. The unfortunate thing is that, until these things clear up, they won't reduce my Tac (immunosuppressant drug) any more. Also, I was slightly neutrophenic during last visit. I will be interested to find out if that's cleared itself up. Otherwise, I'm feeling well. Out in the world, participating in life, succeeding most of the time.

I wish my hair would grow, though. It's been over a year now and it's still horrible. But now that I'm back in SF, in the cooler weather, I'm able to wear my wigs a bit more. It's a crazy concept, but I get to pick the hair that matches my outfit. How cool is that?

All for now.

--Katie